Thursday, December 2, 2010

Bright Lights, Big Pity

It’s not often that I applaud the actions of thieves, but in this case I am willing to make an exception, for they have recently turned their attention to stealing those increasingly popular, incredibly expensive, and inexcusably annoying Xenon headlights.  You know the ones I’m talking about, the headlights that emit the blue glow that turns night to day by burning brighter than a military flare?  Well apparently they are being stolen at quite a steady clip, and at quite a heavy cost to the owners, for these stolen headlights can cost as much as $600 dollars each to replace.  Yes, I said each. And that doesn’t even include the cost of repairing the damage done in removing them, or the labor to reinstall them.  At the end of the day, we’re talking thousands of dollars to replace these stolen headlights. And while the thought of rich people parting with their “hard earned” money does provide me with a little pleasure, that alone is not enough for me to turn a blind eye to robbery.  But when you make it two blind eyes…then I start rooting for the bad guys.

Trying to drive with these cars coming at you is like welding without a hood, since the Xenon powered rays shine 3x brighter than standard halogen headlights.  I’m sure they must offer a wonderfully clear and bright view for the drivers behind the wheels of their Lexus’ and BMW’s, but for the rest of us who have to contend with driving blind through their oncoming blue blaze, they can be quite dangerous.  Sure, the streets are safer for them, for not only can they see better, but the road is probably clear of traffic as well, since most of us have either pulled over to let them pass, or steered sightless into a drainage ditch. 

Once again, the rich are ignoring our rules. No longer content with keeping us out of their communities and paying their way to the front of the line at theme parks, now they want to claim the highways as their own as well.  For years we all had to navigate through our notoriously dark highways and parkways by employing a constant combination of high- and low-beams.  We’d rely on the brighter high beams to light the way whenever possible, but would quickly dim them down to “low” out of courtesy to oncoming traffic or upcoming cars, knowing that the brighter lights coming through the windshield, or reflected in the rear-view mirror, made it difficult (and dangerous) for them to see and drive.  Sure, there was the occasional jerk who would keep their high-beams on full time, but they were few and far between.

Now, courtesy of the Xenon bulb, they are everywhere. But, thanks to some enterprising thieves and unscrupulous auto body shops, there may be less of them on the road and more in the garage. Again, I’m not one who normally sides with criminals, but until these lights are outlawed, I say let the outlaws have the lights.  Sooner or later the rich folk are bound to get tired of paying for their Xenon replacements and will go back to their plain old halogen headlights.  Then they can get back to simply (and safely) blinding us with their dazzling smiles and sparkling jewels. But until then, for safety’s sake, please refrain from engaging in any retaliatory high-beaming of the Xenon crowd. I know it’s tempting to try and duel it out with your dual headlight-sabers, but we all know that two wrongs do not make a right, and more importantly, two blind drivers are worse than one.  So take the high road (if you can see it) and show them that just because they are brighter than us doesn’t mean that they are smarter. 


  1. MIke,

    I couldn't said it better myself! A few weeks ago I drove 1200 miles to Florida and cursed every time those damn xenon lights pulled up behind me ..... blinding me.

    I leave on Saturday.... I'm sure I'll be seeing more of them on the way home ... let's hope for more robberies.


  2. Thanks Michael - have a glare free drive home! Sounds like you had a great time in Potterville - i was never a big fan, but your blog posts made me appreciate why others would be

  3. This is hysterical!! Yesterday, prior to even reading THIS, I was compelled to "bright" all these people, who, I thought (yes, I am quite naive) were driving with their highbeams on. This is priceless. You should be writing for the Post!!! The only other writer who gets me to LOL is The Old Geizer, Charles Some-Thing-Or-Other. TX for the smile. :)