Sunday, March 9, 2014

A Guest Blog from Uncle John

The following story is from the fabulous Uncle John, who has many more where this came from, so please encourage him with your likes, shares, and comments! To the best of my knowledge, what you are about to read is 100% true...

Kiwi the Siberian Husky in Heat 
- John Cribbins

I don’t know if you ever experienced living with a dog when she is “in heat.” I will spare you the physical details, but is not pleasant. Kiwi, our Siberian husky, was in heat.  I walked out of the house one morning, on my way to drive to college, and to my astonishment, there had to be at least 15, or even 20, dogs stalking our house.  These dogs must have come from a 5-mile radius.  It was absolutely amazing that even though Kiwi was an “in-door” dog, that her smell could attract animals from such a distance.  Needless to say, this was a nuisance and we were so afraid that Kiwi would get out, or those dogs would get in.  Some big male dogs are even known to jump through plate glass windows to get at a female dog in heat.   The worst part is that the family that lives with the dog can pick up the scent on their clothes and the male dogs start to follow you around like you are the female dog, especially if the dog has poor vision.

It was around the 3rd day of our putting up with these male dogs, and I was walking to my car and I thought wow,that is the BIGGEST St. Bernard that I have ever seen!  Wow, what an enormous dog.  It only took an instant, and all of the sudden this huge animal stood up facing me with one huge paw on one shoulder and his other huge paw on my other shoulder.  His paws were the size of grapefruits.  He looked at me “eye to eye.”  If the dog was not taller than me on his hind legs, he was at least close to my height and I can say he definitely weighed a lot more than me as he almost knocked me over. 

 And then I realized…there was no doubt in my mind; that dog had lust in his eyes.  I can’t describe the look the dog had in his eyes other than to say that, “once you see it, you know it” regardless of the species.  I never saw anything like it.  I looked down and was aghast at this enormous pink item pointing and throbbing right towards me.  My whole life flashed through my mind like a near death experience.  It was at that point that I started screaming at the top of my lungs.   Mother came to the door and screamed to me, “Push him away, push him away!”  I felt for sure that I was moments away from being “deflowered” right in front of my Mother, on Maltby Street, in broad daylight.

With an adrenalin rush of super strength, or perhaps the distraction of Mother screaming, I grabbed both of his paws with my hands and pushed him away.  I ran ran ran…with Mother yelling, “Run, John! Run, John! Run!”  I slammed the house door and locked it tight. I peeked out the window from beneath the curtain, and there I was again, eye to eye and panicked.  This pooch meant business.

For the next week (or so), the routine was for me to stand at the front door window, and Mother would stand at the living room window as a “look-out”, Mother would yell “coast is clear, run John run…run John run”…and I would run out to the car.

Both Kiwi and I were both able to keep our virginity for the next 14 days.