Thanks to the recent blizzard (ummm, Blizzard™) I’ve spent several days inside, trapped with all the trappings of the holidays: the tree, the gifts, the indescribably painful when stepped on Legos, and, of course, the food. The Christmas ham, homemade cookies, plates of fudge, and enough boxed chocolate to make Willy Wonka weep. And with nothing better to do, I’ve been eating it.
Now, like most chubby Americans, I’m planning to start my new year off with a resolution to lose weight – which is how I found myself in a race against time to see if I can polish off all the leftover food before January 1st arrives. I know it’s counterproductive, and that all the weight I pack on this week is just going to make it harder on me for next week, but we’re talking about fudge, people. Sweet, sweet fudge.
And shrimp. Last Sunday, during the latest Giants debacle, I must have ate an entire pound of them – I know there’s a lame pun to be made with Giants and shrimp, but now is not the time. No, now is the time to get working on the last two trays of cookies, as I only have about 36 hours to finish them off.
I suppose I could just throw them away, or feed them to the birds, but that just seems wasteful (again, note how I’m avoiding the obvious “waist full” pun.) Someone spent a lot of time and money making these things, and it’s my obligation to see that they are given the respect they deserve.
The other option is to let my family eat them, but they’re not the ones who are giving them up for new years (cough -skinny bitches – cough) I am. So like a camel preparing to go out into the desert by loading up on water, I’m preparing for my diet by loading up on dessert (sorry, some puns just can’t be avoided.)
I know eating everything in sight is not the best way to start a weight loss regiment, but I have a fool-proof plan, which I will share here on New Year’s Day. It’s not a gimmicky grapefruit diet or difficult exercise plan, it’s simply the easiest way to lose weight since liposuction. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a race to finish…an entire race of Gingerbread Men!