Saturday, March 9, 2013

Trash Talk

As I sit here, sipping my second cup of tea (brewed from the same tea bag as the first) and eating toast off of a “plate” that is really just a Bed, Bath, & Beyond 20% Off coupon, I realize what a great recycler I am. Even the steak knife that I buttered my toast with was one I used to cut Eli’s strawberries earlier (which I’m pretty sure is also the same one I used the night before to open a package.) And just because those strawberry tops and eventually thrice used tea bags do not go into the compost pile (since we don’t have one. Icky!) I still think I’m doing my part to help the environment.

Turns out, you don’t have to be a crusading tree hugger to help the planet; you just have to be lazy and a little disgusting. Or, in other words, the typical American male! Seriously guys, we should ALL be Recycling Kings (Note to self: set up meeting with History Channel to pitch new show, Recy-Kings).  Basically we were born to reduce, reuse, and recycle. So what’s holding us back?   One word: Women!

Women REDUCE us to “disgusting” husbands and boyfriends just because we wear the same shirt three or four times before washing it. We’re not gross. We’re stewards of the environment.  We know that each load of laundry uses up to 40 gallons of precious water, requires 4.5 kWh’s of expensive energy, and releases lots of harmful chemicals into the ground.  So the next time you see, or smell, a guy in a dirty shirt, don’t judge him. Thank him.

And ladies, every time you complain about an unflushed toilet, what you’re really saying is, I hate the environment. Guys know that it takes an average of 2.5 gallons of water to flush, which is why we reserve them for “burying” dead fish and disposing used motor oil. So the next time your guy “forgets” to flush, or decides to pee outside, don’t berate him. Embrace him. Your children’s children will appreciate it.

Speaking of appreciation, guys also know that people appreciate the gift, not the bag, so let us reuse the giant “It’s a Boy!” gift bag to wrap Grandma’s anniversary gift. What else are you saving it for?  Same goes for actual gifts. Regifting unwanted items isn’t tacky. It’s recycling.  And it’s the right thing to do. Think of all the money, fuel, and pollution you girls could save by one less trip to the mall.  

Guys are great at combining trips to save energy. But instead of getting praised, we get grief. Sure, we could go to the store when you run out of tampons, then drive all the way home to drop them off, and then go back out to the bar. But that would be wasteful, which is why every trip out combines a stop at the bar or package store.  I’m sure you can wait until halftime for your feminine hygiene products (which are bad for the environment, by the way!) Plus, watching the game together saves energy. Twenty guys at 20 homes watching 20 TVs is just plain wasteful. 20 guys at one bar watching 20 TVs makes much more sense.

I supposed that’s enough gloating for now. Seems to me like you ladies have a lot of catching up to do.