As I sit here, sipping my second cup of tea (brewed from the
same tea bag as the first) and eating toast off of a “plate” that is really
just a Bed, Bath, & Beyond 20% Off coupon, I realize what a great recycler
I am. Even the steak knife that I buttered my toast with was one I used to cut
Eli’s strawberries earlier (which I’m pretty sure is also the same one I used
the night before to open a package.) And just because those strawberry tops and
eventually thrice used tea bags do not go into the compost pile (since we don’t
have one. Icky!) I still think I’m doing my part to help the environment.
Turns out, you don’t have to be a crusading tree hugger to
help the planet; you just have to be lazy and a little disgusting. Or, in other
words, the typical American male! Seriously guys, we should ALL be Recycling
Kings (Note to self: set up meeting with History Channel to pitch new show,
Recy-Kings). Basically we were
born to reduce, reuse, and recycle. So what’s holding us back? One word: Women!
Women REDUCE us to “disgusting” husbands and boyfriends just
because we wear the same shirt three or four times before washing it. We’re not
gross. We’re stewards of the environment.
We know that each load of laundry uses up to 40 gallons of precious
water, requires 4.5 kWh’s of expensive energy, and releases lots of harmful
chemicals into the ground. So the
next time you see, or smell, a guy in a dirty shirt, don’t judge him. Thank
him.
And ladies, every time you complain about an unflushed
toilet, what you’re really saying is, I hate the environment. Guys know that it
takes an average of 2.5 gallons of water to flush, which is why we reserve
them for “burying” dead fish and disposing used motor oil. So the next time
your guy “forgets” to flush, or decides to pee outside, don’t berate him.
Embrace him. Your children’s children will appreciate it.
Speaking of appreciation, guys also know that people
appreciate the gift, not the bag, so let us reuse the giant “It’s a Boy!” gift
bag to wrap Grandma’s anniversary gift. What else are you saving it for? Same goes for actual gifts. Regifting
unwanted items isn’t tacky. It’s recycling. And it’s the right thing to do. Think of all the money,
fuel, and pollution you girls could save by one less trip to the mall.
Guys are great at combining trips to save energy. But
instead of getting praised, we get grief. Sure, we could go to the store when you run out of tampons, then drive all
the way home to drop them off, and then
go back out to the bar. But that would be wasteful, which is why every trip out combines a stop at the
bar or package store. I’m sure you
can wait until halftime for your feminine hygiene products (which are bad for
the environment, by the way!) Plus, watching the game together saves energy.
Twenty guys at 20 homes watching 20 TVs is just plain wasteful. 20 guys at one
bar watching 20 TVs makes much more
sense.
I supposed that’s enough gloating for now. Seems to me like
you ladies have a lot of catching up to do.
